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Beerjokes

A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar, orders a beer, finishes it in one gulp, then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asks why he keeps gulping down the beer and afterwards look into his pocket.

The man responds: 'I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home.'

Grasshopper Beer
A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

Drowing in Beer
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

Angry Wife
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Beer and Female Hormones
Scientists recently discovered that beer contains small traces of female hormones. This was proven by giving 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that an astonishing percentage, 100%, started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Why is a beer better than a woman?
Why is a beer better than a woman?

- You can enjoy a beer all month long.
- A frigid beer is good.
- A beer doesn't care when you come.
- When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
- A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
- A beer never gets a headache.
- If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
- You can share a beer with a friend.
- You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
- A beer is always wet.
- You can have a beer in public.
- You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
- A beer doesn't get pregnant.
- A beer doesn't have parents.
- You can say whatever you want to a beer.
- A beer doesn't care if you are late.
- And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.

Ernest Hemmingway about beer
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools." Ernest Hemmingway

Who is Who?
The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.

Beer Makes Deaf
A man, drinking beer the whole evening and really wasted, is driving through the city. His car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

The Best Beer in the World
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him
one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He
gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."



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